when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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