Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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