College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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