Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
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So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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