Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
that's an acceptable place to lick
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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