Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
