I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?