the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
