I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
