SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
