Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
