We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
