i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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