my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
