So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
