Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize