Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
