No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
