@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
