what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
