This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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