Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
