she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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