i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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