I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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