OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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