i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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