He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
