i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
