Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
