i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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