i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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