nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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