TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
In other news, I just burned my penis
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
