i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
