he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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