so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
