Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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