I can text with my tongue
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
