but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
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He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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