What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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