I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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