And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
