got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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