thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
