It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
