I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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