Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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