why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
