Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
