Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
