My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
