He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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