I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
