I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
