i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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