god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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