I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
