I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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