I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Your dad touched me again.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
