I feel like abortions should bother me more
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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