I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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