I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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