Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
