I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
